The Bird on the Balcony
by Elizabeth Gray
Summary: She was his only constant in his dark world until she wasn't there anymore. Jace lives his life with a rule: do not get attached until he sees a girl on the balcony looking at the sky WARNING: Abuse and drinking mentioned in this story


The Bird on the Balcony

The strange thing was that she was always there, always. In his world where nothing was permanent, she was his only constant. She was there when his mother walked out and she was there when he ran outside, struggling to keep in the tears through his father's cold demeanor. She was always there, on the balcony, looking at the sky. And the strangest thing was that he didn't even know her name.

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They first saw each other when he was five. He was outside, his parents were fighting again and he had crept out to avoid the flying projectiles being launched. He sighed as he sat on the porch, kicking idly at the sidewalk with his scuffed up. He'd have to get new ones too, if he could pull his mother away from her new guy friend to go buy him some.

He looked up suddenly, feeling the chill in the air. The sky had turned a light pink now, announcing the final end of a day with the pollution of New York creating a hazy atmosphere. He looked up around at the empty terraces lining the sidewalk until his eyes came to rest on _her_. She was nothing special, just bright red hair with her small body curled up by the bars of her balcony. But it was her eyes that drew him to her, her big, green eyes staring off into the distances. They were hazy, distant as she stared at the horizon.

Jace could feel his mother pulling him away but he couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking about.

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He had grown now, he thought he understood all there was to be understood in this world. 10 was the age for a man wasn't it? He understood the word "divorce", which was the word his mother used when she sat down with him for the last time, wiping away his tears. He had held his tears in when he heard his mother walk out the door, slamming it and leaving an echoing silence.

He had stayed quiet and still through his father's tirades that left the house in a stony silence by dawn and he had stayed quiet through his teacher's interrogations. Jace Herondale was 10 years old and he knew what he had to do to survive.

Friends were too risky; people in general were too risky, too flaky and flighty. There was the same old porch he could retreat too, where he melted seamlessly into the dull bricks of the old brownstone. No one asked question, no one noticed….except _her_.

Jace supposed that he shouldn't be questioning her; after all she wasn't really doing anything. She was just…there. She was always there. She grew taller and skinnier, her small arms wrapped around her legs just staring off into the sky. Jace had never stopped wondering what she was staring at. He would bring a small ball with him to pass the time, just tossing it against the wall and grabbing it, an endless cycle. Then one day the toss was too hard and it rebounded onto the other side of the street…under her balcony. As he reached over to get it, he looked up. _Her_ green eyes were staring back at him, green meeting gold. They were full of curiosity but also with something else he couldn't place.

He quickly retrieved the ball and ran back into the house, careful not to disturb his father who was passed out on the couch. That was the first time they had looked at each other.

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He was cocky now, as cocky as a 16 year old could be. He had hid himself under the cool, sarcastic facade, under the newest styles and looks, under his disrespect for the rules. He had hid his father's drinking and yelling and abuse under all of this until he had an almost split personality. Friends came and went, teachers came and went, girlfriends came and went, hookers came and went from his life, the world appeared and reappeared in an instant flash and in the end, he was left with nothing.

That was a rule of survival- never get attached. Jace had read about monks who had made entire landscapes and portraits of tiny grains of sand only to allow it to blow away with the next breeze. Nothing is permanent, everything moves and changes with the tide….except for _her_.

She was always there, when he left for school, when he returned, she was just always there. He had gotten used to her green eyes now, they always seemed to lighten when he was around and her lips would purse as if she were about to smile. But then she would just look back up on the sky, staring off into the distance. Jace would wonder at times if she even went to school, and then shake himself for even thinking about it. He had his own problems to worry about, besides it wasn't any of his business. But she was always there.

Aline and Sebastian were his only sort of friends. They both lived in the same direction as Jace so they walked home together from school.

"Who is that? She's always sitting up there?" Jace's heart stopped as he turned to look at the girl, she was sitting on the balcony again, her hair blazing in the fading light, and her eyes fixed on the horizon. Sebastian whistled softly.

"I don't know but I'd like to. Herondale, do you know her? Want to hook me up?" Jace gritted his teeth at the use of his last name.

"I don't know her, just a random neighbor I guess." He bit his lip as he gripped the bars of his porch.

"I don't know what's so special about her anyway," Aline scoffed, "Does she even go to school? We should report her for truancy." To Jace's horror, she crossed the street. "Hey freak!" She yelled. The girl just kept on looking at the sky. "Don't ignore me. Are you freaking deaf?" The girl looked down, her green eyes sparkling as she silently smiled at Aline.

"Why are you just sitting there? Don't you go to school?" The girl smiled and nodded. "Don't you ever get up? Normal people don't just sit around and look and useless things," The girl frowned, the sparkle in her eyes dimmed with confusion. Jace's stomach churned with nausea. She didn't realize what Aline meant. In that moment, he wished he could just get Aline to go away; this was embarrassing enough for him.

"Are you dumb? You're 'special' aren't you?" Aline sneered. Jace closed his eyes, he could hear Sebastian's laugh in the background.

"Aline just go." Jace's voice cut off Aline's next sentence.

"Wha- but Jace-"

"You're really going to stand here and make fun of some random girl? That's pathetic, even for you Aline. Don't you have anything better to do?" Aline's cheeks turned red as she sputtered and then dragged Sebastian away with her. Jace watched them disappear down the street as he looked up at the girl.

"Hey…umm...I'm really sorry for them saying that to you." The girl just closed her eyes and allowed the setting sun to touch her skin. "I promise they won't do that ever again."

"Don't you love the birds?" Jace was startled. This was the first time he had ever heard her speak. Her voice was quiet and a bit raspy. "They're so free up there in the sky, free to do anything they want, go anywhere they want…" She opened her eyes to smile down at him. "Don't you think?"

"Uhh…yea…sure." Jace scratched his head awkwardly. He walked back home and shut the door, his mind still swimming with what she said.

That was the first time they ever talked.

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He had matured now, the minute he turned 18 he rushed out of that brownstone leaving no trace of himself behind. He wanted to forget everything, he wanted to forget him monk like room, his father's cold and empty stares, his beer cans littered on the floor, his fake friends, his faithless teachers, he wanted it all out of his mind…except for _her_.

He had a new life now, a new apartment, new job, and new friends. Izzy and Alec were stable, reliable and really the only people who knew about his childhood, the only people he really let in. He caught himself looking up sometimes, just expecting to see that flash of red hair and green eyes outside, and standing there. He was jittery on the plane, restless to get on solid ground. His mind kept on flashing to _her_ face again. They hadn't talked to each other since that day but she smiled more but there was still that look in her eyes, an emotion that he couldn't decipher.

The New York skyline came into view as the plane broke through the clouds. Jace grabbed his bag and headed down the familiar streets.

When he got out- his heart stopped. She wasn't there. The balcony was empty, glaringly obvious to Jace's eyes as he rushed to the door and slammed on the apartment door. A red headed woman opened up, her eyes bloodshot red and Jace could smell the alcohol on her skin.

"Where is she?" He demanded, "Where the hell is she?" She looked at him, her eyes clouded with confusion.

"Who the hell are you?" She slurred.

"Where is your daughter?" Jace didn't even know if she was her mother but the green eyes and red hair…it was too close of a resemblance. The woman snorted.

"That girl? Annoying as hell she was….cost me a perfectly good plate glass window." She muttered.

"What do you mean?" Jace asked. He was getting frantic, what happened to her?

"Always such an annoyance, but I always managed to discipline her, although she broke my window. She was getting disobedient with me, I had to discipline her." Jace could still see the shards of glass lying on the linoleum floor. Suddenly, he wanted to vomit.

"Where is she?" He whispered.

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He knew her name. Clarissa Morgenstern. It was simple, gray and flat with her name and the dates of birth and death. She had died of complications and blood loss. Her mother was too high to even notice that she had died. It was the community that pitched in and helped with her gravestone and funeral.

Jace wouldn't believe that she would have liked to have been called Clarissa. That would have been too formal, too strict for her. He called her Clary. She was born to fly, to be away from all of this. Jace closed his eyes as he pictured her face. He realized that emotion in her eyes now, it was desperation, it was a plea for help and he was too wrapped up in himself to see that.

He was a cocky, self centered asshat and someone else paid the price for that. God if he only had gotten there in time…He shook his head as he bent down, feeling the damp earth stain his jeans but honestly, he couldn't care. He brushed away some of the dirt and planted it, the green leaves brushing his arm.

"Hey Clary, I'm back…"There was a moment of silence, "I brought you this plant…the guy at the store said it was good for birds and that they'll eat the seeds and distribute them and everything so new plants will grow." Jace closed his eyes and brushed his forehead. "I'm so sorry Clary, I'm so sorry that I didn't notice and now- now you're gone." He swallowed the lump I his throat. "You've been there my entire life and now you're not there. Why didn't you just tell me? I would have- I would have-"

But he didn't, because she didn't tell him and he didn't notice and now, she was gone. He gripped the gravestone, feeling the cold, hard material, all that was left of the day dreaming girl that he was so used to seeing. She was a caged bird, flittering around, yearning to be free and now…she was let go.

For the first time in nearly 18 years, Jace felt his shoulders shake with sobs and his ears filled with the voices of the birds that had woken up to sing their morning song over the horizon.


End file.
